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"the futile" Say anything |
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boyy am I so confused.
I feel so detached from reality here. i feel outta control. As if I have no say over my life...because its true, I live by OTHERS decisons...I always have.
Yes, thats a weakness. But, I've been doing better...but most recent events have thrown me into this seat. this outta-control seat.
I feel borderline worthless...I don't remeber what feeling beautiful is like. I spend hours on makeup...but I cant even remember the last time I've seriously looked at myself, inside and out.
which leads me to one of my tired points. the one where I used to know everything, and know am clueless. I dont know if I'm bi or straight...or the other. I dont know how i feel about anyone. Maybe lonliness is becoming the soul reason for liking others. Maybe I dont believe in myslef because i get a confused praise. The people who tell me I'm attractive, smart, and worth anything are usualy women or gay men. Not women who want me. Not guys who want me. People who dont see me that way...so how am i to know the truth?
ughhh my shallow/deep whinning is beginning to piss me off.
I just wish someone would talk to me. Everyone I know talks about themself until im distressed outwardly and need some candy-coated lies.
which, at the time makes u feel better...but adds up like weight. Then its all dramaticly worse.
I cant apply to colleges cuz i need a car of my own. and i cant get a car without saving money...but i want the car me and my brother are sharing. And I need to wait for him to get a car of his own to call the escort mine. I would go out and get my own car, in a second...but jon doesnt want the escort, therefore its mine once I pay mom. But my lifes going on hold for him. I wake up everyday at 6, drive my mom to work, get home and have jess guilt and beg me to drive her to school. if i do..i lose cuz then i have less time and to pay for much more gas, and if i dont drive her the guilt hurts more. SDo then i get home. shower get ready...clean. Drive to work. Work from 10-2:15 straight, take my 45 min break in the breakroom drawing, writting, drinking alottt of water, then, I get back and work an hour more. My mom has to walk home until my brother can get her...cuz she gets out at 3:30, walks till about 4 when jon gets her and I get home at 4:30. Then i have my fights with jon, and jess...and the "oh jeanie u dont look good...ohh jeanie are u sick....oh jeanie whats wrong ur so cold...are u depressed?" from mom. i end up passing out, ignoring calls. sleep through super, wake up at 6:30-7ish, watch dawsons creek. then wait till 10 for yet another one. My only escape from this hell. this inappreciated, unloved hell I wake up to every morning.
I've never been so angry and alone in my life. in my entire life. And I've never lied so much. I've kept on this stupid fucking friendly act for soo long.
I'm polite, I'm sweet, i'm everyones bestest friend, I smile, I bend over backwards, I never ever rock the boat, I do not have enemys, but here i am miserable. walked over. alone.
And I write over and over these tedious words that curl my toes in anger.
Where did i go wrong?
tommorw: hmm work again. 10-3 this time tho. that means also the priveldge of a 45 min break is gone. only a 15. so at 2 or how ever long i last without stopping, ill take it. then i hafta pick up mom. and then laundry and cleaning. Friday I have the day off. I'm suppose to hang out with Dan...if he wants to still. Idk what we're gonna do...I'm over being clever. bahhh
I should go to sleep but i got myself all worked up.
Shit!
Nothing makes sense, so I wont think about it. I'll go with the ignorance.
Eat, sleep, fuck and flee; in four words, thats me.
I am full of indifference.
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prettykitty1389's journal
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