I cant get laid in this town without those pointy fucking shoes....

dude

2007-09-26T00:25:47Z

I'm absolutely bored outta my mind.
I have nothing to do.

Today sucked.
I'm so sick of this lingering sting of lonliness that seems to be worsening over time.
bahh
I dont know.
I cant wait to get work over with tommorow and then have the night and next day to myself.
I hate that I'm working saturday grrr.
But this weekend should be fun, I hope.

Its been way to long since I've had a change.
A good positive change....soo im looking for another job. I dont think I can do bobs anymore, I'm sick of it...the same old over and over, its not even partially worth it anymore.
I may get a job I reallly wanted, the only set back is its nights and weekends, and I want to work days...all weekdays, so I can be with all my friends on the weekends and after school.

so it boils down to my fear of breaking the usual and being out of comfort. I'm comfortable at bobs, I know wat im doing most of the time lol, I know everyone and I dont have too much of a problem with anyone, and it fits in with my life.
So, should I risk loosing my comfort and gamble to try and make myself a little happy??

I doubt I'll have balls enough to do it. :[
I just am clueless about everything lately.
I dont even know that I know right from wrong anymore...I'm just soo confused.
way too confused. So I keep dulling these things and forgetting, or trying to.

It all comes back to me though, and it kills.

its been awhile

2007-09-10T02:53:23Z

I'm at the peak of two very extreme emotions.
I am assessing the situation. As I sit here on the tongues of two demons both equal in an untimely consequence. The first emotion I find myself trembling over is fear, and the other solitude. Now one may see these two to be even more deadly side by side than isolated, but the best arrgument to that is the two would cancel each other out as quickly as a summer rain storm in florida. This is because they are both a state of mind that alone eats you up, but paired together will fade once your mind is off them. When your lonely, your fear of something completely differnt may disapate or just take the back seat; and when your affraid, your lonliness will also slide away just as fast, if only for a moment.

But then, there are those rare instances where you find yourself with just one. With only fear, keeping you awake; or with only solitude.

As I stand here on this peak I realize that when I deciede to jump in either direction, it will be one of these devils in my bed beside me, inside of me, eating me entirely for the better part of my night.

So maybe, before I give in to the inevitable dreary turn of my evening, I'll fuck around online until I'm numb enough to not sob.

prettykitty1389 @ 2007-01-07T11:42:00

2007-01-07T16:45:32Z

ok so FINALLY my computer works!
it has been soooo long.

so thats where ive been.
here, but my comp was fried.
theres still a few things wrong with it, but its usuable at this point.

thats about all
umm ill write more later

prettykitty1389 @ 2006-12-04T00:26:00

2006-12-04T04:26:33Z

Mother Fuck you bitch stop screaming at me!

lmao

Scary. I am scaring myself

2006-10-23T06:29:23Z

I really hate people.
I really hate remembering.
I really hate being alone.
I really hate this burning desire to bleed and bleed and bleed until I pass out.
I really hate not knowing who the fuck I am.
I really hate being stuck in a hole I call "my current situation"
well welcome to it.

All I can listen to is nine inch nails. thats wat I feel. it leaves my lungs in an exhale and cirrculates through my veins, contaminating my blood. the way drugs do. or the way ur fucking love did.

the most ugly word is jealousy. and I am its bitch. about everything.
I am not what I want to be. and everyone else is one step over my pretty little head.
so I weild the jelously flag.
and cry myself to sleep.

I want to get rid of my skin. my brain which wont stop killing me with thoughts....
I'm drowned in whys.
why not?
what the fuck else can I be up to when I cant sleep?

all the porn has lost its luster....my eyes have ceased to twinkle.
I make up a thousand and one words yet none of them can be beautiful.

o boy fuck it.

100 question survey this should be fun....

2006-10-17T03:12:14Z

1.My ex is still:
my friend

2. I am listening to:
jessica or blitch if you will

3. Maybe I should:
use my penis as a pogo-stick and that would be my transportation

4. I love:
technology.
but not as much as u u see...always and forever.
jess. and tenacious t formally known as mr. t more formally known as Tu luce

5. My best friend(s):
Jessy, Sarah, Phil, Martin, Dangle, Katie, Lauren,

6. I don't understand:
the female genitals.

7. I lost respect for:
the Russian knight Vladimr at king richards. just a little tho.

9. The meaning of my screen name is?
my name plus middle name. i am so inventive

10. Love is:
jess says "love is wat you make of it"
i say its whoever got the biggest penis.
jk. idk.

11. Someday...
I will be cool.

12. I will always...
be this messed up.

13. Forever is...
honesty. and scary quite frankly.

14. last thing depressing happening to you:
i lost some easy mac. ouchhh

15. My mobile phone is:
a tracfone

16. When I wake up in the morning:
I am sooo tired

17. I get annoyed at:
customers who are dicks

18. Partys are...
bitchn

19. My pet:
ssss are the best.

20. Kisses are:
deceiving

21. Today I:
worked.

22. I really want:
a lovely women.

001: Real Name – Jeanie
002. Nickname – i dont have one
003. Single or taken – single. lonliness is creeping up on me.
004. Zodiac Sign – leo
005. Male or Female – female
006. Elementary School – Jackson school and B.H. Wood school in P ville
007. Favorite Color – purple
008. How many buddies on your aim list – 124...but i dont talk to more than 30 of them ever.
009. Screen name – xJeanie x Mariex
010. Hair Color – idk light brownish
011. long or short – long
014. Eye Color – blue/green
015. Are you health freak- no
016. Height - 5'2
017. Do you have a crush on someone – on and off i have crushes I spose.
018. Do you like yourself – well someday i will
020. Think you're awesome- at times
021. Piercings – 2 in each ear
022. Tattoos – none yet
023. Righty or Lefty – rightyyy

___Your 'Firsts'___

024. Surgery – never had one
025. First piercing – I was 5
026. First best friend – Jess
027. First Award – student of the week.
028. First Sport You Joined – cheerleading...a longggg time ago
029. First pet – cookie my love. half husky half choclate lab, RIP baby.
030. First vacation – idk
031. First Concert – haaa
032. First love – dan

___Currently___
049. Eating – nothing
050. I'm drinking – tension tea
052. I'm about to – shower
053. Listening to – the stove cuz jess went to bed
055. Waiting For – u to want me
057. Wearing - shorts from katie, and my new bobs shirt. and socks for some reason ewww

___Your Future__
058. Want Kids? – yes
059. Want to Get Married? if it happens
060. Careers in Mind – nursing, medicine...

__Which is better with the opposite sex?__
068. Lips or Eyes?- eyes
069. Hugs or Kisses – kisses...i miss them
070. Shorter or Taller – doesnt matter
072. Romantic, Spontaneous – both deffinately
073. Nice Stomach or Nice Arms - doesnt matter
074. Sensitive or Loud – both.
075. Hook-up or Relationship – hmmm both?
077. Trouble Maker or Hesitant? – hmm trouble maker at the right times hehe

___Have you ever___
078. Kissed a Stranger – nope
079. Drank bubbles – yeaa :(
080. Lost glasses/contacts – yup
081. Ran Away From home – when i was younger
082. Broken any bones- nope
084. Broken Someone's Heart – I dont think so.
085. Been Arrested – nope
086. Turned Someone Down – I dont remember
087. Cried When Someone Died – yes
088. Cried at school – yea

___Do You Believe In___
089. Yourself – ehh on my good days
090. Miracles – i havent seen one yet
091. Love at firstsight – no
094. Magic – yess
095. Heaven – not sure
096. Santa Clause – no
097. Sex on the first date – depends
098. Kissing on the First Date – yea depends too
099. Angels- maybe

___Answer Truthfully___
100. Is There one or more people You Want To be with right now?
yes.

weee ooo

2006-10-17T03:10:30Z

I caught a cold. and am getting sick as we speak.
altho we arent speaking...whatever.

I had an excelent weekend. remembering it all is the tuff part lol.
ok. friday...I was in a bad mood. but then we went to zaks house and he had a fire, it wa fun adn put off my bad mood. then we walked to cumbies, through an old folks home lol...it was a good time.
we saw a tonn of people. most good. some not *cough cough*

but yea once I got home I got in a bad mood again and we chilled for awhile. life is dramatic which is supper frsutrating when u just want it all to go away for 2 seconds....the imposible.

Saturday I had off. we went to bobs and I bought a shirt, then to taco bell lol, then to matins to get the tent and stuff. we set it up and went to cumbies to get supplies. and slept there. BEST time.
ohh to go into details.
"lets all get naked."
"ok"
and tada.
lol.
so colddd.
but fun.

today was sucky. work was no fun. tommorow wont be any better. we'll see. but i doubt it.
bahh im too tired to write. i have some more pics
tommorow we shall post lol

please make it go away.

2006-10-13T03:58:53Z

Yup.
You guessed it. I've lost my mind again.
I am having what I call bipolar attacks.
one second I am bouncing off the walls, in love with everything and everyone, talking a mile a minute, just loving life. feeling wonderful and attractive, and something more than dirt.

the next second I am laying in my bed staring at the ceiling begging the darkness and silence to make it all go away. make these stupid feelings, and the worthlessness disapate.

but it remains.
I remain. and I lay there for hours. anger building. so mad, and crying.
I want to cry in blood. but I cant. I cant put the razor to my skin.
I can not lose all I've worked for just to balence these attacks.
i cant lose it. one stinging bleeding wound in exchange for my soul.
but I cant go back to the hospital. i cant go back on strict pill regimins and even stricter blood tests. I cant go through intense therapy. I CANT be shunned by the ones who love me. they cant loose that respect I gained by coming this far. I can not ruin it all.

but I remeber the soothing feeling. the personal sick satisfaction.
I remember having something to look forward to.
because I dont feel much anymore, or right now. I'm numb. and I need to feel something.
anything.

I had love to feel.
but now I have this dull lonliness that hangs like a rag doll.
I had a billion friends.
and now I have a few. but I push them away.
I had rutine that kept me whole.
now I have a low paying, impersonal, mind numbing job.
I cant get out of anything.

I write and write and write. yet I say nothing.

can someone come along and snap me out of this? tell me I am worth something? tell me I'm something they need? tell me that I am not just holding out and suffering for nothing?

what became of optimism?
its now replaced by hopelessness, feeling worthless and used, hunted, gutted, and destroyed.
two questions for you:
are you happy you've made me see this all?
is my failure and misery making you grin and feel all the more powerful adn important?

I'm affraid that I am tossing self control outta the window now.
because I just dont care anymore.

no one could even begin to give me reason why i should care.

just one of those mothafucking days.

2006-10-11T03:25:10Z

its just one of those days to be quite honest.
seems everyother day is that way with me.

buttttt I had a WICKED PISSA week/end.
thurs: went uptown with martin and phil to meet kyle and a bunch of people
friday: hung out with martin and phil who didnt have school and jess and lauren who skipped. after haning we went up town again to see everyone. lol, martin, sarah, and katie then slept overr. it was the best.
saturday: i went to a physic fair and got my fortune told...interesting
I'm supposivly going to meet an older guy (20-20somethingish) and have the whole love thing go on. haha. also I'm gonna be happy and all that shit...nothing bad. just warned me about who i have in my car and police issues. booooright. he was good about some things altho...i dont remember all of it.
then i went to work at 3 or 4 i dont remember either lol...
that night martin and sarah slept over. yay
sunday: i went to king richards faire....BEST TIME EVER lol. it was bitchn....go!! lol and we ended up in plymouth after that and ate seafood and i walked on the beach with jessy, then we passed out in the car for like 2 hours....and went home.
that night we got home and hung out with phil adn martin, then we drove martin home and watched xmen 3 and fell asleep.
so yea it was cool.

so next weekend we're camping in the backyard on saturday...hahaha with martins "5 man tent"
exciting hehe...

but then theres this little rant:
whats wrong with me?? am I not as interesting as the other girls? am I not as cute or funny? am I just profoundly DESTINED to a path of boredom and no hand to hold???
blargg yup. I just dont know. sometimes i see the most annoying fake stupid people who find love in 10 seconds flat. and then theres me. sweet little human door mat Jeanie.

oo I FINALY got some new pics:

this one screams royaltyy

yea I used to be someones something special

I like the darkness on this

my favorite

made thiss..

im kinda cute I spose..and a bit of a sun burn on the chest cuz of my low cut shirt at the fair...lol

my henna fairy i got at king richards

im done. and tired, and crampy. night

I'm pretty bored...counting down to Dawson after dark...lol

2006-10-05T02:31:27Z

Do you have the following in your room:
[x]condoms
[x] lamps
[x] cell phone
[x] chair/stool
[x] book shelf
[x] dresser
[ ] Computer/laptop
[x] pictures
[x] mirror
[ ] skateboard
[x's 2 and a mattress] bed
[x...on the mattress count?] clothes on the floor
[ ] plastic flamingo
[ ] surfboard
[ ] lava lamp
[x...no batterys lol] smoke detector
[ ] piano/keyboard
[x] locking door
[ ] can of soda
[x] bottle of water
[x] a blacklight
[idk?] medals/ribbons
[x..1] trophies
[x] awards arnt those the same as ribbons and medals?
[ ] water polo ball
[ ] soccer ball
[ ] volleyball
[ ] basketball
[ ] softball stuff
[ ] track gear
[x] frisbee
[ ] beach ball
[ ] football
[ ] tennis ball
[ ] Hockey stuff
[ ] gymnastics stuff
[ ] dance stuff
[ ] horseback riding stuff
[ ] swim stuff
[xxxx] Cd's
[ ] Digital Camera(s)
[ ] sofa/futon/round chair
[lol] bottles of liquor
[x...a pirate one] flag
[x] stop sign/any sign
[ ] caution tape
[ ] paintball gun
[ ] airsoft gun
[ ] Real Gun
[ ] Cigarettes
[x] Candle(s)
[x] Books
[ ] Atari
[ ] Nintendo
[ ] Playstation
[ ] Playstation 2
[ ] Game Cube
[ ] Xbox
[ ] Xbox 360
[ ] bike
[x] Stereo
[x] TV
[x] Lighter
[x] Visine
[x] your mom
[x] Gum
[ ] Weed
[ ] Pipe
[ ] Snowboard

How many windows do u have in ur room?
3 and one that doesnt open

What is the color of your walls?
purple

Hardwood floor, tile, or carpet?
hardishwood lol

Do you get ready for the day in your room or the bathroom
little bit of both

Is your room big?
for one person it would be, but with 2 people and the usual few extras...its just right

What is your bedroom view out the window(s)?
the street out one way, out the back its the fire pit and yard and stream

porn <3

2006-10-05T02:23:30Z

I'm pretty happy and I dont know why....

I'm trying to be the optimistic/possitive, and think of things to do to improve myself...so let us make a list:
-continue saving money for car
-start putting asside money for digital camera
-diet more
-walk more....like an hour more aday
-dye my hair
-do my nails(ima gonna do that tonight)
-ooo buy more clothes...lol(at my work ALL the stuff I've wanted are on sale...clearout is my hero man)
-clean my room and reorganize it. today I started going through all my stuff....and wow do i need help haha.
-college...
-lesbian sex??

hahahaa
hmmm today I worked 10-3, and cleaned. I work 6-9:30 tommorow. ehh ok shift. im off friday, which is good. we have plans....yay. and on monday im suppose to go to king richards fair with my mom jon and jessy. and soon is my graduation party, im just waiting till my gramma gets home from the cape. hmmm what else is going on?

nothing at all too interesting. Its feeling like fall. I am in love with fall.....so maybe thats why I'm happy.
dawsons creek at 12 tonight lol...im hanging with martin and phil tommorow.
wooooo hoooo

so thats pretty much it.

what do u want me to do?

2006-09-27T05:05:15Z

pretty good day...maybe cuz it was rather uneventful. cuz I cant get a great day without a bad one...so ill settle for this mind dumbingly bland "pretty goodness" for now at least. until I have something to conunteract the pain of bad bad days...and balence with the amazing.

Just in case I havent said it yet to you, or you dont know it...fuck you. ook?

Had a bit of anger there...I apologize.

Dangle scared the shit outta me today!! I was working on a womens clearout rack...trying to pass the time because there was nothing to do this morning...I was practicly sleeping while standing there...in that fantasy/deep thought mood I can pass into...when he comes up behind me witha huge hug...
omg I woke right the fuck up in 2 seconds.
because
a. everyone i know that would hug me is in school, and probaly would have no reason or way to go to bobs.
b. it was like 10...so even if they werent in school, they'd be asleep.
c. i thought i was being attacked.
lmao.

so i hung out with him for a little less then an hour sucessfully without being caught...while his mom shopped.
it was fun, I miss dangle.
everyones suppose to go over his house this weekend, he had a party last weekend and we all saw him then.

I can not wait till halloween.
the saturday before, massive costume sleepover at Jeanie's haha
what should I be this year?
the choices are......
poll time:
1. sexy nurse
2. fairy
3. pirate wench
4. ur mom.

sooo there. input deffinately wanted.

sleep calls to me...

sooooooooooooooooooooooo sup

2006-09-25T05:41:02Z

I saw my grandparents from north carolina today, they stopped by. 2 whole years since I last saw them.....and I reallly do miss them.
We went to a movie flyboys...which was wicked good. it was said and kinda nerving....but I loved it.
then we went to LA roberts, I got chicken parmesean and barely ate any of it.

I cant eat much anymore without feeling sick after.I dont like it....but I have lost weight so wooohooo.
Then they left :( idk the next time I'll get to see them.

I'm kinda bored and not finding much worth writting about.
therapy tommorow, 5 o'clock sharp lol. before then work 10-3:30, not long enough to enjoy a 45 min break. and thats how it is allll week long. im dreading it, alot. i hafta drive mom and jessy in the morning. possibly go to the bank possibly. Lets see what time permitts.

kinda pissed honestly about work, or stressed. My boss thinks I put clothes just anywhere...but it wasnt me. shes seen me, i no where everything is and i do everything im told. I'm NOT lazy there. And just because I'm not as outgoing as everyone else...its automaticly assumed that I fuck up, cuz im not tight with missy(boss). grrrrr. not fair. I always get fucked, almost always in situations.

but oh well. i no where i want to go, and this is just a stop on the way to it.
I sure hope so....

I need more $
haha, dont we all?
but i have about 2000$ as my entire lifes savings. mom has no money saved anywhere. so im on my own with college and a car and everything. i no its gonna all be a hell of a lot more than 2000$.

lets not think about the millions of things that make me upset....
ughh

from alone to overwanted. booooo

2006-09-22T03:42:34Z

hmmm whats new with me you ask?
nothing...oh let me think.

I bought a shirt today. woooo
tommorow no work. so instead im being a taxi. drivng mom to and from work, and I promised to drive jessy, and I hafta go to my work and get my check, then go to the bank...then to the stars.

...just thought I'd through that one in there.
then I know I'm supposed to go out to eat with my gramma
go to the mall with jessy
go bowling with dan
and see katie-licous.

lets see how many i can get done. I know im deff hanging out with dan cuz i miss him. despite conflicting feelings, i do. and it trully has been too long for 2 people who were suppose to be wicked close. i also know i am deff visiting katie, cuz i also havent seen her in awhile (well tues or weds actually but oh well hehe) and we had plans for tommorow pre-made. we'll see what happens tho cuz my gram may have other plans on what we're doing, cuz i think shes going away soon. bahhh doing alot sucks. and the mall ehhh supposivley who me and jess are suppose to see is there every friday...so next time around. and what sucks the most is im on call in at work...and i think we're supper busy which means the strong possibility i wont do anything.

im kinda tired. KINDA. I dont think I can sleep.
but lets give it our all.
lmao
nighttt

Love! I shall not love...yet I'll still sing about it

2006-09-21T03:43:05Z

boyy am I so confused.
I feel so detached from reality here. i feel outta control. As if I have no say over my life...because its true, I live by OTHERS decisons...I always have.

Yes, thats a weakness. But, I've been doing better...but most recent events have thrown me into this seat. this outta-control seat.

I feel borderline worthless...I don't remeber what feeling beautiful is like. I spend hours on makeup...but I cant even remember the last time I've seriously looked at myself, inside and out.
which leads me to one of my tired points. the one where I used to know everything, and know am clueless. I dont know if I'm bi or straight...or the other. I dont know how i feel about anyone. Maybe lonliness is becoming the soul reason for liking others. Maybe I dont believe in myslef because i get a confused praise. The people who tell me I'm attractive, smart, and worth anything are usualy women or gay men. Not women who want me. Not guys who want me. People who dont see me that way...so how am i to know the truth?

ughhh my shallow/deep whinning is beginning to piss me off.
I just wish someone would talk to me. Everyone I know talks about themself until im distressed outwardly and need some candy-coated lies.
which, at the time makes u feel better...but adds up like weight. Then its all dramaticly worse.

I cant apply to colleges cuz i need a car of my own. and i cant get a car without saving money...but i want the car me and my brother are sharing. And I need to wait for him to get a car of his own to call the escort mine. I would go out and get my own car, in a second...but jon doesnt want the escort, therefore its mine once I pay mom. But my lifes going on hold for him. I wake up everyday at 6, drive my mom to work, get home and have jess guilt and beg me to drive her to school. if i do..i lose cuz then i have less time and to pay for much more gas, and if i dont drive her the guilt hurts more. SDo then i get home. shower get ready...clean. Drive to work. Work from 10-2:15 straight, take my 45 min break in the breakroom drawing, writting, drinking alottt of water, then, I get back and work an hour more. My mom has to walk home until my brother can get her...cuz she gets out at 3:30, walks till about 4 when jon gets her and I get home at 4:30. Then i have my fights with jon, and jess...and the "oh jeanie u dont look good...ohh jeanie are u sick....oh jeanie whats wrong ur so cold...are u depressed?" from mom. i end up passing out, ignoring calls. sleep through super, wake up at 6:30-7ish, watch dawsons creek. then wait till 10 for yet another one. My only escape from this hell. this inappreciated, unloved hell I wake up to every morning.

I've never been so angry and alone in my life. in my entire life. And I've never lied so much. I've kept on this stupid fucking friendly act for soo long.
I'm polite, I'm sweet, i'm everyones bestest friend, I smile, I bend over backwards, I never ever rock the boat, I do not have enemys, but here i am miserable. walked over. alone.

And I write over and over these tedious words that curl my toes in anger.
Where did i go wrong?

tommorw: hmm work again. 10-3 this time tho. that means also the priveldge of a 45 min break is gone. only a 15. so at 2 or how ever long i last without stopping, ill take it. then i hafta pick up mom. and then laundry and cleaning. Friday I have the day off. I'm suppose to hang out with Dan...if he wants to still. Idk what we're gonna do...I'm over being clever. bahhh

I should go to sleep but i got myself all worked up.

Shit!
Nothing makes sense, so I wont think about it. I'll go with the ignorance.
Eat, sleep, fuck and flee; in four words, thats me.
I am full of indifference.

but thats all I can get when I'm lonely and these visions of death seem to own me

2006-09-20T05:22:17Z

BOOBS.

I'm a liar and an optimist...there I go again...

2006-09-15T04:32:17Z

If I asked you to kill me...would you?

Well please do. I'm suffering.

I just need someone to talk to. please? maybe then I can convince you to kill me...or you just will out of loathing.

Dear darling,

2006-09-14T03:27:40Z

Have you ever said something to someone...and wished so bad that for once someone would say something like that to you???
Have you ever wanted the right thing at the complete wrong time?
But, how do you know its the right thing?
is it time that tells?
how long??

Have you ever ended something and at the time had a million reasons why it was the right choice and easiest solution?
I know that feeling.
I also know the feeling of how after time has past...time that feels like forever...you cant think of a single god damn reason why you made that choice. What was so clear and seemed so right now has no justification.

For instance, I quit school. At the time, it seemed right. It seemed as if I had no other choices. but now...I would give anything to have it. to be normal, and experience all that a teen would...to graduate, go to prom, class rings, and yearbooks...things I thought were stupid. Cause its true, as small and insignificant it is...you don't know what you have till its gone.

And the other huge thing that i regret was loosing Dan. At the time...I was half devastated but gave myself a million reasons why it was ok and that this was the best thing to happen. Now I see none of those reasons. But I also don't see him. He's not the way he was before. Maybe because I'm not a "potential girlfriend" im nothing to him. I dont have much to offer him, and seeing me isnt a benifit for him....so he disregards my attempts to see him...and when we make plans he cancels. I get all excited to see "an old friend" and im not important enough anymore. kinda shows his character....to know an ex as a "friend" and not a love. It hurts. He's on to new people and forgets all we had...not even caring friendship. It hurts, and leaves me with a lonely cloud. I dont see any friends. I get on this stupid fucking computer and talk to people...when i should be hugged and helped. theres no one...theres emotionless words across the screen.

It kills me inside that I was once so happy. That I was set. I was forever. and now...the meaning of what I had OBSESSED over is now shown. nothing. what the fuck was I?

sadly it takes depression to show me. show me who i was, and who i am now.

it seemed like the right thing at the wrong time at first. then the wrong thing at a great time...making it that obsession. Then it turned into something I didnt need and an ending was so right...hard but the right choice. And now its stupid. makes no sense. and i just wish i could throw myself at u. i wish u could hold me. i wish u would just walk in in your star market shirt and hat...straight from work eager to see me...pillow in hand...grin on face. i wish i could have savored our last kiss. if i had known...you'd have to drag me off you.

No. no. no. no.

I wish I could get over you. I wish you didnt have this fucked hold over me. I wish a seperation could bring me to someone new. someone who wouldnt break my heart for what now seems so petty and stupid. I wish I could have what and who I wanted.
and even if its not u, it seems imposible.

because i like someone. alot.
they know...they know who they are.
I cant believe im writing this...sometimes I wonder who reads this.

Well...I'm saying sorry in advance if I ever write anything to hurt anyone.

Huge news!!

2006-09-10T16:30:40Z

Guess what???

I got my GED!!!!
I'm so incredibly happy
I passed!!!!....u have no idea....

so in the test a passing score is 410, and a perfect score is 800...here are my scores
Language arts, reading- 750
Language Arts, writting- 560
Mathematics- 510
Science- 650
Social Studies- 640

so basicaly in language arts reading, I got 50 points for a perfest score....bitchin. :)
then they wrote that my score ecxeeds the GED passing requirement and the scores of 80% of graduating seniors.

So, yea I passed.
And now its on to college.

When I watch you...I wanna do you right where your standing.

2006-09-09T06:46:03Z

hmmm depressed.
I am actually like a hyper depressed, which is by all means fucked.

i worked like crazy, it wasnt a long shift, but an extremely hectic one. i was the only one on the floor doing cleaning and recovery for womans, then juniors, then boys, then girls, then womans active, then a run through over again fixing what people fucked up...and then quick and as neat as possible folding without a folding board and rossie. i was scared id be kept to 10, cuz i was sooo frustrated with all i had to do...i thought i might have had a mini or huge break-down. a few times i had to calm myself down, and then a good song would come on and id feel better....lol

but i heard a song this morning on my way home from dropping mom and then jessy off. its called "alive with the glory of love" by say anything...so i downloaded it and LOVE it. that and their song A Boston Peace. which I loveeee.
I am honestly a teensie bit sick of love and break up songs. I keep listening to them over and over again....I have no idea why tho. Sick, arent I?

I have alot of new clothes and cool stuff, and I neeed to take new pics, I havent since like mid summer when my hair was wicked red...which i miss dearly. I want to do something else with my hair but work wont let me have any un-natural hair colors...which completely sucks.

black again maybe??

Why arent my GED results back yet?? grrrr
Plan:
1. obtain GED.
2. apply to community colleges offering medical/nursing programs anddd if possible take some non-college classes (emt...cpr...first aid, so on) colleges I know: BCC, CCRI, Mass bay (my fav I believe)
3. apply to Sturdy, Wrentham State School, maybe Sinai in Stoughton
4. continue to save money, past 2 weeks i put 120$ in bank (woot)
5. reconnect with old friends, new friends? (possible)
6. loose some weight...means diet. (ive lost 10 pounds in like 2 months wooot)
7. be sucessful and witty and lovely.

dont screw it up!! haha
heres tommorows plan:
-get up, go to bobs get my schedule and check
-go to bank, take some money and put some in. (pay mom car insurance...get gas)
-sleepover maybe? whos coming?

mmmmm
ur hot.
haha

see? we're hyper. haha we'll be enthusiastic while we cry(hyper-depressed...see above). and now apparently im plural?
umm maybe I should sit the next few plays out.

Iloveyouandwillalwaysbecauseidontlieaboutforeverandlove.

wooooooooooooooooo go to bed u asshole.

read this its beautiful:

Tear your clothes off with my teeth
Like some unruly uncaged beast
From your forehead to your feet.

I need to feel the Boston peace
I felt that night with you
Drug like release, the sheets engulfing you

Know that I need you
I want you
I’m dying for you
Here in my heart where my veins are
Combusting for you
All that I've learned I unlearned
And I’m falling for you now.
For you now

And I’m sinking slowly into nothing
Nothing matters
Give me something I can hold onto
Only you
Can save me

(A boston Peace by Say Anything) <3

a mere puppet

2006-09-08T08:27:59Z

                Life is so scary. So scary when your alone. So scary when your unsure. A few years ago I had it all figured out, but I was miserable. Now I've healed most past injurys. But in making some issues better, I sabatoged myself on other things. I'm not at all as bad as I was...but I am NOT happy.

              I'm distant, and finding myself saying again im ok. I used to say I was ok becasue everything around me wasnt, and I needed to be solid and alright. When I couldnt do it anymore...I became suicidal and confused...so young with feelings beyond my years. I got better. But now I fear of whats to come. I'm putting a smile on my face as a mask...waiting for something good...because all good has been plucked away from me. Everything and everyone that made my existance beautiful.

And all I am is alone. its my favorite word. I've been sick lately. again. idk why. im sick of everything. I need new faces new experiances to get my mind off the old and fake so and so's.

              My sexuality is confusing. I have this strong dislike of men, right now. Every man I've ever known has hurt me. I'm bisexual, but I've never had a relationship with a girl...so idk for sure wat I am. Sometimes I feel only attracted to woman, and other times to both. So, im confused...part of me wants to give up on men alltogether. but then it comes down to wat i live by. I need to find a decent PERSON regardless of sex or any of that shit. because thats wat matters to me. A genuine, loving person.

              I cant wait to get my test results back. Its my future. because if i pass, I have a huge party and then apply to colleges. I'm so unsure of how all this will work out. I'm such a fragile person right now too. All I need is a fucking hug and theres no one. Absolutely no one. I'm my own company and I'm not doing well going through all this without a friend.

Where are you?

my mouth tastes like hair gel...

2006-08-29T05:30:17Z

What an interesting world we live in.
I think my life is just a rather large series of unfortunate and horribly timed coinsidences.
I keep letting those type of things bring me down...but i gotta get over it.

Maybe, just maybe, its true what they say, you will never find anything that u want if you are looking for it.
but its hard to just not look when ur everything tells u too...ur instinct borders on using any chance to look.

Sooo...forget my ranting of sorts.

About work...kinda sucks. I am working quite alot lately. FAR too much and im exhausted.
summers ending. all my friends are going back to school.
i see a bunch of lonliness in my future.

haha
oook im losing it...time to sleeep
night

prettykitty1389 @ 2006-08-06T03:22:00

2006-08-06T08:13:22Z

so I lead an absolutely interesting life, huh?

Yesterday was my birthday. hoooo rahhh
or something like that
I'm 17....12 months to 18 when I can really skank it up....lmao just kidding...
for the most part ahem

so now I my bday goal is to make it through another year, lets see.
any other goals....
GED, stilll, god it takes for EVER!
ummm job? well moving up career wize. Classes, college, and getting crunk. lol sure

I have 200 dollars from my bday. COME ROB ME!!! haha, im putting it in the bank, cuz right now I dont need anything but to save money.
I saw my daddy today. I was sooo happy. he really is one of the sweetest guys you'll ever meet. I mean, selfish...yes, a drunk...yes...but I will always love him and never would turn away from him. We've always had an amazing bond...even if its him falling down and having to go to the hospital drunk and embarasing or dancing with him at the plainville's bday celebration and having to lead him around to get beer, haha I love him.
or on my 13th bday how he came over after 5 months of no-show with the sappiest bday card and crys his eyes out while I read it. He thinks he's a horrible dad...I cant say hes father of the year, but I love him undyingly.

Birthday Party!!
had kyle, paul, emma, baron, emma j, tracey, sarah, martin, phil, ashley, lauren, and nikki over plus cake, karoke, dancing, no AC, mother not knowing about it, and a tad of drama equals a bang up time.
i got stressed while going to pick mom up and cryed...possibly cuz i was listening to the cd paul made me which had a few depressing songs on it..

hmmm well i guess illsee where the rest of the night takes me
Mwahh

baaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

2006-07-31T19:41:39Z

We didnt go to north carolina :( :( :( :( :(

Dads car broke down...and now we cant go. I miss my grandparents sooo much, I havent seen them in 2 years, and now i may not be able to see them until next year...when ill be 18. believe me, me at age 15 and at age 18 will be alotttt different.

ugghh. i really really needed to go, i needed to get away, i mean i still need to go, and clear my head. not hafta deal with all im putting myself through. but i did take that time off of work, so im free alll this week. but i think ill call in and go back to work early cuz sitting around the house stresses me out.

Idk if I should ask Dan if he wants all his stuff back quite yet....because I dont want to do that and have no reason to ever speak to him again....
idk, it would help to try and keep the past off my mind....but i dont wanna loose him all together. even as just a friend.

I think i like someone ;) i think i may like a few people....which is new. I'm not sure tho. hes still on my mind no matter wat i say or think or do.
it hurts the most knowing hes over me that fast. and hes forgotten his promises and his claims on me being the only one for him.....i just can not get over that. I dont think I ever will. it hurts me far too much.

I dyed my hair wicked sexy like!! wanna see??

yeaaa so thats that...im gonna go shower, im supposed to go to the movies and stuff with some ppl....

news

2006-07-25T07:23:17Z

So I got a job. Bobs store in Franklin...wooo
my first day was today, 5-9
Martin came home today!! we were all sooo happy to see him. I'm sure phil woulda jumped him if he wasnt on muscle relaxers for his back...he pulled a muscle and went to the er and they gave him some of that.

My head hurts sooo bad right now, but will most likey kill even more if i lay down.
first week of august, dad can get his car fixed and we are going to north carolina....i am sooo excited.

oh and for my birthday we're suppose to go to p town...yay! what else to look forward to? idk...GED test august 26th and september 2nd...that outta change my life. then, since my position at bobs is seasonal...i may hafta get yet another job after sept. 9th...im hoping i can stay there tho. the work seems fun, discount's bitch'n, pay good, and i get the lovely title "sales associate" eeee.

I've been doing alot of thinking....and maybe I am happy right now where I am. Or maybe I'm just excepting things and trying to get over them.
i cant really write anymore i cant take my head right now....so ill lie down, if thats unbearable, ill visit my old loyal friend Rx

sweet dreams